The Fear Of Living

My coffee maker crapped out on me this morning. Of all mornings. Haven't worked in nearly a month, so of course it should definitely happen on the day in which I'm attempting to reconfigure myself, get back into Work Mode.
Then my hardboiled egg exploded in the microwave. Cleanup for that was fun. I enjoyed what little bits I could salvage without eating the shell.
Should've known something was up with today the moment my dog, for the first time ever, decided to not immediately dive right into his bowl of breakfast. Something's wrong with today.
Yet, there's a part of me that is fully aware of the fact that, as not so great of a morning that I'm having, there are those who are truly having a terrible day in Orlando, probably all over the country for that matter.
And so I'm spending this train ride reflecting, on the somber news being reported on TV, to the normally jovial radio personalities who instead of prank calling unsuspecting listeners, are acknowledging the tragedy of several hours ago.
I feel like I generally have a sense of optimism when it comes to life. But between recent events, not just the incident in Orlando; but the series of slashings, random robberies, assaults, and seemingly countless crimes all over the Tri-state area, it's honestly been that much harder to maintain that optimism.
There are those who say that if we live in fear, that we are giving them exactly what they want. They say we should do the exact opposite. Celebrate. Go out. Fear nothing.
I get it. We probably should. When all's said & done, what's going to happen is going to happen. I personally pray that myself and those closest to me would not be harmed.
But to live as though this is a time in which there is absolutely nothing to fear...I feel that there exists a thin line between fear & ignorance.

The coffee burns
Poppy stuck between my teeth
Ten minutes to go
She reached out and I thought about her
She's making moves
I feel stuck
(Like the poppy)
Yet on the brink
It feels like that time
Like a nudge
Get going
Do
Something
Three minutes left
And the coffee still burns

I Choose.

I choose to focus on the positive.
I choose to see what I've been blessed with.
I choose to not have anger or jealousy in my heart towards those around me.
I choose to know that there will always be an answer, even if the answer is not right in front of me.
I choose to pray for those who may feel differently.
I choose to endure.
I choose to have empathy.
I choose to not blame God for the hand that I've been dealt.
I choose to say nothing over saying something hurtful.
I choose to not hold grudges over the past, even if the past was a day ago.
I choose to be selfless & not selfish.
I choose to face my issues rather than avoid them.
I choose to communicate rather than ignore.
I choose to know that the latter may sometimes come before the former.
I choose to know that I am an imperfect person who's only saving grace is his faith. Nothing more, nothing less.
I choose to look upon this when I am in need of a reminder.

What do you choose?

2015

Loss is real.
I live with it daily.
I know it's a part of life.
But this year made it real for me.
And I'm aware that it will happen again in the future.
I pray for the strength to endure the inevitable, in the promise that it is all worth it & for a reason in the end.

You also gave me a whole lot.
More than I cared to blog or status update about every time something notable occurred.
I preferred to live it and share it with those who made it possible more than I did to tell everyone about it.

That & I got lazy.

Put it on my list of resolutions for 2016.

You might be the quickest year I've had.
In some ways, you're the worst year I've had.
In many ways, you're the best year I've had.

Thank you for everything.


Farewell.

Sincerely yours,
Chris

These Rides

Today I'm thinking about you
It wouldn't be human if I didn't
You must have wanted to change your mind
On that last fatal second
The moment after the moment you had made up your mind
I'm playing scenarios in my head
One in particular
Where I'm there just before the jump
Before the last stupid decision you ever made
Where I snatch you by the backpack
Violently pull you backward
Backward into life
Into the ones who care
And talk shit out
Trade demons
Tell you that I've been there
Tell you that there's more to be here for
So much more to experience
That no temporary debt owed is even remotely worth any of the long term loss
I just hope it's better where you are
I pray you found what you needed to find
That I'll get the chance to slap you on the back of your head
And say "what the hell was that all about?"
Till then
These rides will always remind me
Of that last stupid decision you ever made

I can feel myself on the brink.
I know it's there, I feel it.
But then it stops.

I don't know if it's tiredness.
I don't know if it's because Mom is so distraught. I don't know if it's because she told me that her eyes turned blue.

She wants us there. She's expecting us to be there tomorrow.
Is she waiting for us?
Will we make it in time?
What will we be walking into?

Was there anything more that could have been done before all of this?

Is Mom going to be strong enough to move forward after all of this is said and done?
Will any of us?

Have I even had the time to grieve "properly" since my last loss?

What is my lesson here, Lord?
What is my role in all of this?
What part of me will be missing this time around?

My only comfort
Comes in knowing where she will be going
That she will be at peace
She will see those who have missed her
She will see her Mother

But I don't know if that makes it hurt any less

Though I am merely numb right now

Numb but on the brink

It's late
But I'm up
Looking for something
Looking for anything
A reason
A cry for help
A thought
Something
Anything
I'm so tired
But I'm so hurt
Cause you're gone
And I can't understand why
What was it
Who was it
And why couldn't you just say something
A text
A call
A talk
I knew something was wrong
I just didn't know what
And the shock numbs me
And the loss hurts more
There's an ache
There's an emptiness
There's an anger
My friend is gone
And I don't know if I'll ever see him again
I pray I do
But right now
You're gone
And it's late
But I'm up
Cause you're gone