These Rides

Today I'm thinking about you
It wouldn't be human if I didn't
You must have wanted to change your mind
On that last fatal second
The moment after the moment you had made up your mind
I'm playing scenarios in my head
One in particular
Where I'm there just before the jump
Before the last stupid decision you ever made
Where I snatch you by the backpack
Violently pull you backward
Backward into life
Into the ones who care
And talk shit out
Trade demons
Tell you that I've been there
Tell you that there's more to be here for
So much more to experience
That no temporary debt owed is even remotely worth any of the long term loss
I just hope it's better where you are
I pray you found what you needed to find
That I'll get the chance to slap you on the back of your head
And say "what the hell was that all about?"
Till then
These rides will always remind me
Of that last stupid decision you ever made

I can feel myself on the brink.
I know it's there, I feel it.
But then it stops.

I don't know if it's tiredness.
I don't know if it's because Mom is so distraught. I don't know if it's because she told me that her eyes turned blue.

She wants us there. She's expecting us to be there tomorrow.
Is she waiting for us?
Will we make it in time?
What will we be walking into?

Was there anything more that could have been done before all of this?

Is Mom going to be strong enough to move forward after all of this is said and done?
Will any of us?

Have I even had the time to grieve "properly" since my last loss?

What is my lesson here, Lord?
What is my role in all of this?
What part of me will be missing this time around?

My only comfort
Comes in knowing where she will be going
That she will be at peace
She will see those who have missed her
She will see her Mother

But I don't know if that makes it hurt any less

Though I am merely numb right now

Numb but on the brink

It's late
But I'm up
Looking for something
Looking for anything
A reason
A cry for help
A thought
Something
Anything
I'm so tired
But I'm so hurt
Cause you're gone
And I can't understand why
What was it
Who was it
And why couldn't you just say something
A text
A call
A talk
I knew something was wrong
I just didn't know what
And the shock numbs me
And the loss hurts more
There's an ache
There's an emptiness
There's an anger
My friend is gone
And I don't know if I'll ever see him again
I pray I do
But right now
You're gone
And it's late
But I'm up
Cause you're gone

My Wishlist

In order of which I have thought of. 

Links provided.

No descriptions needed. 

Contributions always welcomed.

I love you.

1.
Ziiiro Celeste Black Men's Watch

2.
DigiTech JamMan Solo XT - Stompbox Looper

3.
Line 6 Spider IV 75 75W 1x12 Guitar Combo Amp

4.
Converse Gift Card

5.
Playstation 4 Batman Bundle

6.
Super Mario Bros. 8-Bit Character T-Shirt

7.
Funky Socks

8.
Mens Skinny Tie Bundle

9.
2-Slice Bread, Egg & Muffin Toaster

10.
Cole Haan Zerogrand No Stitch Oxford, Black

Detachment + Complacence + Annoyance

That feeling of wanting to lock myself away for a while is back. 
I'm tired. Kind of annoyed. I feel like too much is being asked of me. 
Then I feel like not enough of me is being asked of me. 
Is it a Cancer thing? 
Maybe it's the cold. Maybe it's this gas. 
I just don't feel like being bothered. 
I feel like I'm always going overboard to help others. Or just to keep in touch. Or just to start a conversation.

Social media makes it way too easy to see how someone's doing without actually asking them how they are yourself.

I'm also just tired of the unspoken.
The pretend.

The things unsaid out of fear.

Maybe it's time to put the pen to the paper again.






Time to say what I shouldn't.

Cintron Movie Review: Chef (2014)

It's been a while since I've seen a film that feels like life; imperfect, often conflicted, sometimes plain sh*tty, yet still manages to be pretty amazing overall. Something that reminds us that life isn't always the flaming shipwreck that we think it is. This honest, funny, and emotional film, written, directed, and starring Jon Favreau, does just that.

The story is simple enough: A once well-respected chef at a popular restaurant is hitting his all time low, both professionally and personally. Coming off the heels of a divorce with his wife, and a growing estranged relationship with his young Son, his boss won't allow him to stray off the beaten path at work; being forced to create the same tired menu selections nightly. When a wildly popular food blogger bashes him with a negative review via Twitter, it affects him and his staff so much so, that (with the help of his Son) the chef himself opens a Twitter account of his own, and snaps back at the blogger, challenging him to return to the restaurant in the premise that he'll have a brand new menu waiting for him. Sadly enough, the boss gets in the way yet again, forcing the chef to sacrifice quality of food over quantity of guests. Chef has enough of it, and quits on the spot. His staff is shocked, and he is at a cross roads. This leads him to what will ultimately become the best decision he has ever made.

I can best describe this film much like an experience at your favorite restaurant: tasty, fulfilling, familiar, delightful, and has something for everyone. The film's four-course-meal is tied together with a fun, funny, and oftentimes raw storyline & dialogue. From the film's soundtrack, to the visually enticing scenes of various dishes being prepared (SPOLIER ALERT: If the grilled cheese sandwich scene doesn't leave you salivating by the end of it, then you're not human. Or you're lactose intolerant.), to the star-studded-yet-always-with-a-purpose cast of actors, the film will leave you more than satisfied by the time the credits roll. 

Bottom line:
If you're a fan of food, good acting, funny & "real" dialogue, films with heart, films that inspire, see it.

5 Things

 5. It's time to let sh*tty people in my life go. Negativity isn't something that we can always control, but we can control who we keep in our lives if they're always negative.

4. I'm about 85% sure that Darryl is eating it in the Season Finale this Sunday. He's been away from the group, hanging out way too much with Erin (sp?), and Norman Reedus has got a lot going on outside of The Dead lately. If it isn't him, it's either Maggie or Carol. Prepare yourselves.

3. This whole "call people out on BS  and not always be the nice guy" resolution thing has made me feel a lot better about myself in general. After all, why should I expect anything less from the people I care about, than what I give?

2. I need new ear phones. Or buds. Suggestions?

1. Hopefully this will be the Summer of my first EP. I'm dying to shake off the rust and get back behind the mic.

I know those thoughts

They dance around your head

They sit on the edge of your tongue

They creep up to your lips

You press them tightly

In the fear that they may spill up

Spill out

Spill over

For one spill in

[Perhaps twice]

It could

[came close]

It won't

It can't

[will not say]

[cannot say]

[you won't]

[but I know]

Respect.

I try my best to be the hardest worker in the room. I'm not perfect. There are days when I could give fifteen flying f_cks less about people. Even on those days, I care. I treat people equally. I expect respect because I give respect right back. That being said, I received a grim reminder earlier tonight: the definition of the word "respect" has, and will probably always be, contorted, in many ways.

I have a tendency of treating everyone in my workplace; from the cleaning crew to the ushers, part time people to full time people, employees to upper management, like family. It's a characteristic that has been instilled into me from birth, & that has carried into nearly my entire professional career. Not out of necessity, but out of nature. I shake hands, I place my hands on shoulders, I pat backs. It's what I do when I'm comfortable with those around me, particularly with people whom I spend more time than my actual family. In my experience, it's also helped to serve as something that says "I'm alright", "you can talk to me", "I respect you".

Not in this case.

I was told that I was not "equal" to certain individuals, that I am not "one of them", therefore I should treat them with "respect", by not showing such gestures. Because everyone in my environment should "know their place".

Know. My place. Three years doing this, and apparently, I not only haven't really earned my place, but I also don't even really know what my place is.

If "respect" means that I am expected to fear someone who, like me, laughs, cries, breathes, eats, sh_ts, pisses, dies, & will be judged by the only being who should be feared out of respect when this life is over; simply because they have a larger bank account than I, then I guess I don't know what respect is. Because I fear no man.
But I do respect those men & women who have a higher position than me professionally, and still do not allow that earthly power to get to their heads.

Fear does not equal respect. But fear can lead to a lack of respect. Even worse, it could lead to a bad reputation. And let's face it: nobody really wants to associate themselves with individuals who have a bad reputation. Not just professionally, but in life.

Respect:
a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way

Fear:
to be afraid of (something or someone)
to expect or worry about
(something bad or unpleasant)

After having such an unpleasant experience, I fear that I may have lost respect for some people.

Fifty Shades Of Confirmation Or: A Brief But To The Point Open Letter To Women

Tonight's shout out goes to the Fifty Shades novels, and the inevitable Fifty Shades sequels to the upcoming first film, for finally confirming what myself, as well as many other men have already known for quite some time now:

Try as you may to hide beneath a pristine, well kept, upright, respectable, delightfully scented, and overall pleasant veil; you women are more dark, secretive, carnal, twisted, dirty, and perverse creatures, than men will ever be.

Might be why we love you so.

Respectfully with a hand unbuttoning your blouse,

-Christopher Not Grey Cintron

#Ignorance #Hypocrisy #Glasshouse

There are some among us who seem to think that, because of their high level of intellect, of their ability to be a "problem solver", to be able to lead a group, that they themselves are incapable of needing advice or, even worse, taking their own.
Within the past seven hundred and thirty some odd days, several key events took place in my life, many that had been caused by myself, as well as several other key individuals within my circle at the time. Many of these events were not the easiest to endure. Many of the connections between the key individuals were either damaged greatly, or altogether severed. I cannot say that I am joyed over that fact. However, I also cannot say that said key events weren't absolutely necessary in order for all of us to reach the point that we are at currently.
There was an attempt or two by some of those involved to mend connections; to reconcile differences, to grow and to move forward. I myself have been among both the attempters and the "attemptees", if you will.  Surprisingly, yet, not so surprisingly, not everyone acquiesced. Rather, they seem to have made up their mind about only considering themselves, not doing so much as even trying to listen to what the other party has to say, or to consider the emotions, thoughts, feelings, or experiences that only they know about. It was an opportunity to reenforce something that should have held together much stronger than it actually did. It is a shame, and the most I can do is pray for them, and for mine. As the title of this entry suggests, I do have my opinions about the ones who are too proud to see more than just one side of a story. Better yet, who are too proud to put the past aside and forgive, regardless of who the guilty party is. But I'm sure those aren't terms that they're not already familiar with. If it quacks like a duck...