One Song

It's been on the shelf in my head for years, more than I had initially even thought. It was just after I was done with the band. A riff that never left me. A story about watching someone slowly lose who they are. Dark stuff. Can't help it. It's always been my strong suit. But it's catchy. It's dramatic. It's sad. But it's got energy. It's got a rhythm. It's me at my best so far. It's my most fleshed out work. Which is why it's always been the one I was going to work on next.
It cost me a lot. It's going to cost more. I want something to accompany it. Visuals to the story. Same as what I pictured before. It was always the plan. It marks both something important, and something important for me. The end of the hiatus. The start of the momentum shift. The thing everyone thought I gave up on. One of the only things that truly grabs hold of my attention. An obsession that matters. The gift I've been given. The something I want to share. The things I have to say. The need to do more. My piece. My personal deadline is November. Now, I pray.

"'Cause It's a Long Life. And Then It Isn't."

A line that stuck with me from this past season's Walking Dead, spoken (ironically enough) from a character named Jesus. 

I can't tell if this year has seen more death statistically than others. I just know that it damn sure seems a helluva lot more prominent. More intentional. More tragic. Today started with a massive fire, followed by a shooting. Correction: two shootings. It's starting to feel "normal". 

There's a numbness to the whole thing. There's always sympathy; followed by disappointment, then anger, then it's "move on". But there's also a sense of guilt. Then uncertainty. Then fear. "Why am I still here?" "Why are my loved ones?" "When will my time be up?" "Will it be during a tragedy like this?" 

But let's face it; until it happens to you, it hasn't really happened to you. I can only empathize & pray for those who've been affected directly. That, and not be part of the problem. In that realization, I'm doing less talking and putting forth more effort. It's probably why I haven't posted in a while. 

I've had to cut off more people. I'm finding my time to be more and more precious to me as I get older; meaning I refuse to spend it on those who refuse to mature. When I say that, I don't mean to have four hour conversations about politics. I mean socially, behaviourally, mature. I'm a giant child. Still plenty of room for improvement here. But I'd like to think that I know how to handle myself in most "standard" (and perhaps even many "non-standard") life situations. I can't tolerate jealousy. I can't make time for those who only focus on the negative. I've reached my limit with people who are a continual disappointment; a victim of their own self induced circumstance. People who question why I pursue the goals that I do, because they've given up on their own. Most prominently, I find myself having to withdraw from those who only really make time for me when it's convenient to them. I'm not about keeping tabs, but I've stuck my neck out & gone above and beyond for a few people who weren't there when I needed them. Maybe I've been ignoring the obvious and just chose to continue to give & work my time around theirs. Or maybe those truly close to me have pointed it out to me to the point where it's now unavoidably clear. Part of me wants to address the issue directly, but I feel that would do more harm than good. Perhaps in my absence they'll finally get the idea.

Cintron Foodie Review: Dō

Check my first foodie review for the currently crazed Dō in NY here!

Up

Cause nothing's happening
But something's coming

Up

Cause my insides bother
Cause my mind cannot rest

And my soul is redeemed
But my body does not care
Because my eyes have hunger
But my cupboard's bare

Cause people keep making mistakes
And I keep trying to help
When the reality of it all is
I should really just be helping myself

Up

Cause there's a million steps to take
And I've not taken one

Up

Cause I am only getting started
Though I mostly feel like I'm done

Up

Cause there is too much to say
About not doing enough
And I get stuck in my head
Restless & rough

Up

Cause nothing's happening
But something's coming

What It Wasn't

I caught up with a work friend recently, in the midst of the hurricane that is the business I'm in. I asked her how things were, to which she replied, "Eh, it is what it is, it is what it isn't."

What a great way to sum up 2016. Think about it.

It was fun, it was heartbreaking, it was suspenseful, it was terribly disappointing, it was hot, it was cold, and all in all, it went way too fast and took a lot of people with it.

I myself am starting this year with new employment uncertainty; that is, my time is up where I currently am (again, this crazy business). I don't really know how to feel about it. I'm not quite leaning in any one direction of emotions; though obviously I literally cannot afford to be without work for too long, I have a cautious optimism that I will end up finding work - or it will find me, God willing.

I've been told that the "good ones" are sought out and snatched up pretty quickly - this rings completely true based on my recent history, in which I unknowingly turned down a potential long-term opportunity to work with someone I had worked with in the past. Still regretting that one, but not kicking myself over it. I was told not to. "Where one door closes", right?

All in all, 2016 was good to me. At this very moment, I'm thankful for all of it. I don't have a whole lot to complain about. And what I do, I'm working to change. I love my wife, my furry little boy, I love my family, my friends, and I'm going to continue to pursue those dreams of mine, of ours. I'll continue to pray, and give effort toward everything I do. I will continue to be just as grateful in bad times, as I am in good times. I'll continue to post randomly timed/themed blogs about nothing/everything. I'll continue to make music. I'll continue to make 2017 everything it is, and everything it isn't.

I pray that you do the same.