A line that stuck with me from this past season's Walking Dead, spoken (ironically enough) from a character named Jesus.
I can't tell if this year has seen more death statistically than others. I just know that it damn sure seems a helluva lot more prominent. More intentional. More tragic. Today started with a massive fire, followed by a shooting. Correction: two shootings. It's starting to feel "normal".
There's a numbness to the whole thing. There's always sympathy; followed by disappointment, then anger, then it's "move on". But there's also a sense of guilt. Then uncertainty. Then fear. "Why am I still here?" "Why are my loved ones?" "When will my time be up?" "Will it be during a tragedy like this?"
But let's face it; until it happens to you, it hasn't really happened to you. I can only empathize & pray for those who've been affected directly. That, and not be part of the problem. In that realization, I'm doing less talking and putting forth more effort. It's probably why I haven't posted in a while.
I've had to cut off more people. I'm finding my time to be more and more precious to me as I get older; meaning I refuse to spend it on those who refuse to mature. When I say that, I don't mean to have four hour conversations about politics. I mean socially, behaviourally, mature. I'm a giant child. Still plenty of room for improvement here. But I'd like to think that I know how to handle myself in most "standard" (and perhaps even many "non-standard") life situations. I can't tolerate jealousy. I can't make time for those who only focus on the negative. I've reached my limit with people who are a continual disappointment; a victim of their own self induced circumstance. People who question why I pursue the goals that I do, because they've given up on their own. Most prominently, I find myself having to withdraw from those who only really make time for me when it's convenient to them. I'm not about keeping tabs, but I've stuck my neck out & gone above and beyond for a few people who weren't there when I needed them. Maybe I've been ignoring the obvious and just chose to continue to give & work my time around theirs. Or maybe those truly close to me have pointed it out to me to the point where it's now unavoidably clear. Part of me wants to address the issue directly, but I feel that would do more harm than good. Perhaps in my absence they'll finally get the idea.
