I Choose.

I choose to focus on the positive.
I choose to see what I've been blessed with.
I choose to not have anger or jealousy in my heart towards those around me.
I choose to know that there will always be an answer, even if the answer is not right in front of me.
I choose to pray for those who may feel differently.
I choose to endure.
I choose to have empathy.
I choose to not blame God for the hand that I've been dealt.
I choose to say nothing over saying something hurtful.
I choose to not hold grudges over the past, even if the past was a day ago.
I choose to be selfless & not selfish.
I choose to face my issues rather than avoid them.
I choose to communicate rather than ignore.
I choose to know that the latter may sometimes come before the former.
I choose to know that I am an imperfect person who's only saving grace is his faith. Nothing more, nothing less.
I choose to look upon this when I am in need of a reminder.

What do you choose?

2015

Loss is real.
I live with it daily.
I know it's a part of life.
But this year made it real for me.
And I'm aware that it will happen again in the future.
I pray for the strength to endure the inevitable, in the promise that it is all worth it & for a reason in the end.

You also gave me a whole lot.
More than I cared to blog or status update about every time something notable occurred.
I preferred to live it and share it with those who made it possible more than I did to tell everyone about it.

That & I got lazy.

Put it on my list of resolutions for 2016.

You might be the quickest year I've had.
In some ways, you're the worst year I've had.
In many ways, you're the best year I've had.

Thank you for everything.


Farewell.

Sincerely yours,
Chris

These Rides

Today I'm thinking about you
It wouldn't be human if I didn't
You must have wanted to change your mind
On that last fatal second
The moment after the moment you had made up your mind
I'm playing scenarios in my head
One in particular
Where I'm there just before the jump
Before the last stupid decision you ever made
Where I snatch you by the backpack
Violently pull you backward
Backward into life
Into the ones who care
And talk shit out
Trade demons
Tell you that I've been there
Tell you that there's more to be here for
So much more to experience
That no temporary debt owed is even remotely worth any of the long term loss
I just hope it's better where you are
I pray you found what you needed to find
That I'll get the chance to slap you on the back of your head
And say "what the hell was that all about?"
Till then
These rides will always remind me
Of that last stupid decision you ever made

I can feel myself on the brink.
I know it's there, I feel it.
But then it stops.

I don't know if it's tiredness.
I don't know if it's because Mom is so distraught. I don't know if it's because she told me that her eyes turned blue.

She wants us there. She's expecting us to be there tomorrow.
Is she waiting for us?
Will we make it in time?
What will we be walking into?

Was there anything more that could have been done before all of this?

Is Mom going to be strong enough to move forward after all of this is said and done?
Will any of us?

Have I even had the time to grieve "properly" since my last loss?

What is my lesson here, Lord?
What is my role in all of this?
What part of me will be missing this time around?

My only comfort
Comes in knowing where she will be going
That she will be at peace
She will see those who have missed her
She will see her Mother

But I don't know if that makes it hurt any less

Though I am merely numb right now

Numb but on the brink

It's late
But I'm up
Looking for something
Looking for anything
A reason
A cry for help
A thought
Something
Anything
I'm so tired
But I'm so hurt
Cause you're gone
And I can't understand why
What was it
Who was it
And why couldn't you just say something
A text
A call
A talk
I knew something was wrong
I just didn't know what
And the shock numbs me
And the loss hurts more
There's an ache
There's an emptiness
There's an anger
My friend is gone
And I don't know if I'll ever see him again
I pray I do
But right now
You're gone
And it's late
But I'm up
Cause you're gone

My Wishlist

In order of which I have thought of. 

Links provided.

No descriptions needed. 

Contributions always welcomed.

I love you.

1.
Ziiiro Celeste Black Men's Watch

2.
DigiTech JamMan Solo XT - Stompbox Looper

3.
Line 6 Spider IV 75 75W 1x12 Guitar Combo Amp

4.
Converse Gift Card

5.
Playstation 4 Batman Bundle

6.
Super Mario Bros. 8-Bit Character T-Shirt

7.
Funky Socks

8.
Mens Skinny Tie Bundle

9.
2-Slice Bread, Egg & Muffin Toaster

10.
Cole Haan Zerogrand No Stitch Oxford, Black

Detachment + Complacence + Annoyance

That feeling of wanting to lock myself away for a while is back. 
I'm tired. Kind of annoyed. I feel like too much is being asked of me. 
Then I feel like not enough of me is being asked of me. 
Is it a Cancer thing? 
Maybe it's the cold. Maybe it's this gas. 
I just don't feel like being bothered. 
I feel like I'm always going overboard to help others. Or just to keep in touch. Or just to start a conversation.

Social media makes it way too easy to see how someone's doing without actually asking them how they are yourself.

I'm also just tired of the unspoken.
The pretend.

The things unsaid out of fear.

Maybe it's time to put the pen to the paper again.






Time to say what I shouldn't.