9.7.19: Never Ready

Here we are. Nine months in. Alive. Thankful. Discontent. A bit frantic. I can't tell which side of myself is winning in this inner struggle. Something changed after his passing. Then that something changed after my birthday.

I don't know why the hell I waited so long. I seem to have all of the answers, but continue to revisit the same questions. I became comfortable with the closest thing to "normal" I've ever been, might ever be, period. Why not just stay that way? Because it could all be over tomorrow. I don't think I've done nearly enough with what I was born with. Can't be that I have. I know I haven't. But that first step, man...that first step. Always the hardest for me.

But no excuses this time. I'm doing it. Ready or not. Never ready.

Cintron Broadway Review: Beetlejuice

Let me premise this by saying that, despite my day job, I'm not a Broadwayaholic. I've seen a good amount of shows over the years, but this is the only one that's compelled me to write about thus far.
For those who aren't familiar with Tim Burton's 80's classic; the story's title character is a mischievous demon (Alex Brightman) attempting to make his way from hell to the real world by manipulating a newly dead couple, the Maitlands (Kerry Butler & Rob McClure). They themselves are attempting to rid their home of a (living) family who just moved in. In the Broadway adaptation, new tenants the Deetz are fragmented at best; consisting of a man (Adam Dannheisser), his lover (Leslie Kritzer), and his gothic, rebellious teenage daughter Lydia (Sophia Anne Caruso), who herself is still in mourning over the loss of her birth mother. In her ability to be "strange & unusual", she can see & interact with both Beetlejuice and the newly dead couple, serving as a bridge of sorts between everyone as they go through the dark, hilarious, and oftentimes emotional motions under one dysfunctional roof.
The first thing I must do is what the show does right from the opening number: warn you that A. this show isn't for children (the original film is a hard PG; if it were rated today it'd definitely be PG-13. I counted 3 F-bombs in the show, though it is still in previews, so this may change), and B. is a show about death. This means if the topic of dying is offensive to you, don't see the show. That said, every other topic after that; from politics, sexual preference, kombucha, other shows, to breaking the 4th wall by taking playful shots at members of the audience, is fair game for BJ. Once you've accepted this fact, buckle up, cause it's gonna be a delightfully twisted, morbidly humorous and surprisingly heartfelt ride to the Netherworld and back.
Set design is teeming with as much energy and charm as the ensemble who play in it; with frequent changes, and an attention to detail the likes of which I'm sure Mr. Burton would be proud of. Visual effects will leave you all at once dazzled, creeped out, and scratching your head wondering "how the hell did they do that?"
The soundtrack, much like the rest of the production, is both familiar, yet fresh, paying homage to the trademark Danny Elfman sound of the film. There are some great songs written for the show, most notably standout numbers from Ms. Caruso's Lydia that are truly memorable. (By the way, semi-spoiler: yes. The scenes and songs you know & love from the film are very much alive & well, and they are simply awesome.)
I can't say enough good things about the ensemble overall. Versatile, captivating, present. Ms. Kritzer in particular, is my nominee for hidden gem of the show, taking on two completely different, yet equally entertaining roles.
I had zero expectations for this show going in. By the time the final act came to a close, I was on my feet, applauding and "WOO"ing the effort from every person/creature on the stage. Beetlejuice is a total surprise, in a really, really good way. This is not a mere copy & paste of the film to the stage. Rather, it is it's own monster; something that people who've never seen the original will love, and one that we, the Black & White faithful, will adore.
Beetlejuice is currently in previews at the Winter Garden Theatre, and opens April 25th. For tickets, visit the box office or go to telecharge.com.

See the trailer here, courtesy of playbill.com

Visual Blog - Existence

Invincible

I've been an Em fan for years. Don't think I'm full Stan; but I'm a fan. Love him or hate him, there's nobody like him. There will never be another like him. He's among the greats. He's arguably the GOAT. I'm not here to dispute nor confirm that. "Kamikaze" kills. Aside from his God given ability with a pen & a mic, I relate to his story on several levels. I'd love to meet him. In a parallel universe; one where I'm doing all my shit and getting shit done, I'd love to work with him.
That said, I'm pretty vested in the beef between him & MGK. It's something that, dare I say, is refreshing in hip-hop culture right now, especially given it's climate (or lack thereof imho).
I know little about Kelly. Rather; I know much less about Kelly than I would think I know about Em. I know he's been around for some time, I've known he was a Father since before the hook in 'Devil'; when he Co hosted an episode of Catfish & mentioned it, I know he's been on Wild'n Out, and I know he's a wrestling fan. That's when I first heard of him. "Invincible". A number of WrestleManias back (WM28), this was the big song for the event. I actually attended in Miami with my family.
It was also a big song for me personally. It came at a pivotal time in my life; where I wasn't too sure what was going to happen next. I just lost my job, I was going through a breakup, and I had practically nothing to my name (see *here* for more on how that turned out). This song was the track that kept me going at the time. It motivated me to not stop. I didn't know what direction I was running in, but I knew I was going to keep running, and keep having faith in God's plan for me. The power of music is entirely undeniable. It's why I love & hate it so. And the one at the time who was providing the soundtrack to my struggle, was MGK. Nobody can be Marshall but Marshall. But Colson Baker's talent as a musician as a whole? Cannot & should not be denied, and it shows in songs like "Invincible".
But back to the beef. Or maybe; not back to the beef, but to the two men who are involved in said beef. Maybe it's all a setup. Maybe it's not. Maybe these two have more in common personally than they do professionally. And maybe from there, something wonderful can happen. Maybe they can get together and actually "talk about it".

Death To The Bully

Death to the archaic mindset of the bully. Specifically, the boss bully.
The entitled bully.
The moody bully.
The one who others have decided to fear when they're having a bad day.
Tiptoe around them.
Don't be happy.
Be as miserable as they are.
Because you're not allowed to be happy if their not.
Misery loves the company of your misery.
Death to this.
A swift, nigh painless death.
We've agonized enough with you.

Internal Conversation

What are the doers doing that I'm not?

(They're "doing".)

I'm "doing"!

(You're not "doing" enough.)

I mean considering...

(Right.)

I made that new song!

(Have you released it?)

No...

(And why not?)

Because. It's not enough.

(Why's it not enough?)

It's been years. I don't want to just put a single song out there with nothing else to follow it up. I don't want to stay in seclusion for another extended period of time.

(You're already in seclusion. You've been in seclusion.)

Kinda. But not entirely.

(Musically, you have.)

...

(...)

What!

(Put it out. Just do it.)

Thanks, Shia.

(You're welcome.)

One Song

It's been on the shelf in my head for years, more than I had initially even thought. It was just after I was done with the band. A riff that never left me. A story about watching someone slowly lose who they are. Dark stuff. Can't help it. It's always been my strong suit. But it's catchy. It's dramatic. It's sad. But it's got energy. It's got a rhythm. It's me at my best so far. It's my most fleshed out work. Which is why it's always been the one I was going to work on next.
It cost me a lot. It's going to cost more. I want something to accompany it. Visuals to the story. Same as what I pictured before. It was always the plan. It marks both something important, and something important for me. The end of the hiatus. The start of the momentum shift. The thing everyone thought I gave up on. One of the only things that truly grabs hold of my attention. An obsession that matters. The gift I've been given. The something I want to share. The things I have to say. The need to do more. My piece. My personal deadline is November. Now, I pray.

"'Cause It's a Long Life. And Then It Isn't."

A line that stuck with me from this past season's Walking Dead, spoken (ironically enough) from a character named Jesus. 

I can't tell if this year has seen more death statistically than others. I just know that it damn sure seems a helluva lot more prominent. More intentional. More tragic. Today started with a massive fire, followed by a shooting. Correction: two shootings. It's starting to feel "normal". 

There's a numbness to the whole thing. There's always sympathy; followed by disappointment, then anger, then it's "move on". But there's also a sense of guilt. Then uncertainty. Then fear. "Why am I still here?" "Why are my loved ones?" "When will my time be up?" "Will it be during a tragedy like this?" 

But let's face it; until it happens to you, it hasn't really happened to you. I can only empathize & pray for those who've been affected directly. That, and not be part of the problem. In that realization, I'm doing less talking and putting forth more effort. It's probably why I haven't posted in a while. 

I've had to cut off more people. I'm finding my time to be more and more precious to me as I get older; meaning I refuse to spend it on those who refuse to mature. When I say that, I don't mean to have four hour conversations about politics. I mean socially, behaviourally, mature. I'm a giant child. Still plenty of room for improvement here. But I'd like to think that I know how to handle myself in most "standard" (and perhaps even many "non-standard") life situations. I can't tolerate jealousy. I can't make time for those who only focus on the negative. I've reached my limit with people who are a continual disappointment; a victim of their own self induced circumstance. People who question why I pursue the goals that I do, because they've given up on their own. Most prominently, I find myself having to withdraw from those who only really make time for me when it's convenient to them. I'm not about keeping tabs, but I've stuck my neck out & gone above and beyond for a few people who weren't there when I needed them. Maybe I've been ignoring the obvious and just chose to continue to give & work my time around theirs. Or maybe those truly close to me have pointed it out to me to the point where it's now unavoidably clear. Part of me wants to address the issue directly, but I feel that would do more harm than good. Perhaps in my absence they'll finally get the idea.

Cintron Foodie Review: Dō

Check my first foodie review for the currently crazed Dō in NY here!

Up

Cause nothing's happening
But something's coming

Up

Cause my insides bother
Cause my mind cannot rest

And my soul is redeemed
But my body does not care
Because my eyes have hunger
But my cupboard's bare

Cause people keep making mistakes
And I keep trying to help
When the reality of it all is
I should really just be helping myself

Up

Cause there's a million steps to take
And I've not taken one

Up

Cause I am only getting started
Though I mostly feel like I'm done

Up

Cause there is too much to say
About not doing enough
And I get stuck in my head
Restless & rough

Up

Cause nothing's happening
But something's coming

What It Wasn't

I caught up with a work friend recently, in the midst of the hurricane that is the business I'm in. I asked her how things were, to which she replied, "Eh, it is what it is, it is what it isn't."

What a great way to sum up 2016. Think about it.

It was fun, it was heartbreaking, it was suspenseful, it was terribly disappointing, it was hot, it was cold, and all in all, it went way too fast and took a lot of people with it.

I myself am starting this year with new employment uncertainty; that is, my time is up where I currently am (again, this crazy business). I don't really know how to feel about it. I'm not quite leaning in any one direction of emotions; though obviously I literally cannot afford to be without work for too long, I have a cautious optimism that I will end up finding work - or it will find me, God willing.

I've been told that the "good ones" are sought out and snatched up pretty quickly - this rings completely true based on my recent history, in which I unknowingly turned down a potential long-term opportunity to work with someone I had worked with in the past. Still regretting that one, but not kicking myself over it. I was told not to. "Where one door closes", right?

All in all, 2016 was good to me. At this very moment, I'm thankful for all of it. I don't have a whole lot to complain about. And what I do, I'm working to change. I love my wife, my furry little boy, I love my family, my friends, and I'm going to continue to pursue those dreams of mine, of ours. I'll continue to pray, and give effort toward everything I do. I will continue to be just as grateful in bad times, as I am in good times. I'll continue to post randomly timed/themed blogs about nothing/everything. I'll continue to make music. I'll continue to make 2017 everything it is, and everything it isn't.

I pray that you do the same.

Parallels

A couple of days ago, I had somewhat of an eye opening experience. I had a conversation with someone who's been working very hard to achieve his goals, and has recently came upon some very good success in his pursuits. He has a similarity to me in terms of what he's done, and is doing now. Only he works much harder. That's still a work in progress for me (DUH to you if you've paid any attention to these blurbs for the past few years).
It's strange how God puts people in other people's lives. We're two people with what I'd assume to be very different lifestyles, yet we share a handful of similarities in terms of our age, our talents, and our goals. I don't necessarily know if our exchanges will lead us anywhere other than where we are now. It's not the type of thing I expect to happen, but who knows. His honesty was very refreshing; and the fact that he's taking his success in such an amazed and humble way is inspiring. You can tell the guy cares. I'd like to think I'd be the same if ever I reached that level. In some strange way, I vicariously experienced through him what it's like when you start to become well known for your talents. That thing that I've become unafraid to tell people, but that I feel most people don't entirely take seriously if it's not their cup of tea.
Having gone back and forth for a while, he'd made a realization about us and said "So it's like we're both learning about this new thing at the same time." He's right. Little does he know the motivation he's giving me.

Rant 11.17.16

When I hear about the true struggles going on in other parts of the world; quarters of millions of people in need of serious medical attention, who are unable to receive said attention due to airstrikes & warfare in their region, things of this nature, it's like, what the hell are we complaining about?
Trump? Yeah, Trump happened. Pretty crazy. Most likely irrevocable till 2020. But it happened. So now we move on, and we do what we can, with faith and effort. Plain & simple. My opinion of course. I know about as much of politics as I do quantum physics. I only do my best to attempt to approach things on a human level.
Glenn shouldn't have been killed. But they killed him. Even though they made it look like he died last season and made us wait several episodes to find out he was alive after all only to be killed after all after all. The fuff. That being said, I'm looking forward to whatever Steven Yeun moves onto next. I vote for a stand up special on Netflix. He'd kill. Tee-hee. Nuff respect to Michael Cudlitz. Also sad to see Abraham go. Just isn't the same without his badassery & humor. But let's give it up for Jeffrey Dean Morgan. If you thoroughly feel hate in your heart every time Negan creeps his way into the shot, then he's doing his job. Bravo to you, good sir.
Normally, this is the part when I say that I'm going to finally start doing something career wise, but this will be my only mention of it. I've never stopped writing. That's important. I know I have way too many interests. I try to hone in to one particular field, but Hell. If Chris Jericho can do 25 things, why can't Chris Cintron do at least like 12?
No more doubt in my abilities. I see way too many out there doing a whole lot more with a whole lot less. No excuses. And I do want to thank the shit talkers, the naysayers, the doubters, the haters, the skeptics, the jealous, the envious, the miserable, the faithless, the loveless, the empty. You fuel me in ways that only I can fully appreciate.
I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm married, I live in my own little world with my Wife & my Son. And so what will happen when it happens, will happen.
I'm very sorry to the ones I seemingly have no time for. Sometimes I wonder why you become so angry toward me. But if I think about it, it must be because you truly care about me and value spending time with me. And for that I am deeply thankful to have you in my life. I'm trying to get together more, I promise. One thing at a time.
Next one will have more structure.




If I feel like it.

Cintron Movie Haiku: Sausage Party

**Spoiler Alert**

Pick your favorite (mix and match lines for more fun):

Went To See With Wife

No Real Message In The End

Even Though It Tried

Talented Voice Cast

Some Funny Moments Throughout

Mostly Shock Value

Horny Food Items

Who's Only Goal Is To F*ck

Food Orgy Disturbs

Seth Rogen Gets Baked

(Never Seen That One Before)

Ed Norton? But Why?

Hot Dog, Bun, A Douche

Attempts At Social Topics

Glad I Didn't Pay

What Is The Message?

Politics? Religion? Sex?

Wait, wait, no, there's none.

The Fear Of Living

My coffee maker crapped out on me this morning. Of all mornings. Haven't worked in nearly a month, so of course it should definitely happen on the day in which I'm attempting to reconfigure myself, get back into Work Mode.
Then my hardboiled egg exploded in the microwave. Cleanup for that was fun. I enjoyed what little bits I could salvage without eating the shell.
Should've known something was up with today the moment my dog, for the first time ever, decided to not immediately dive right into his bowl of breakfast. Something's wrong with today.
Yet, there's a part of me that is fully aware of the fact that, as not so great of a morning that I'm having, there are those who are truly having a terrible day in Orlando, probably all over the country for that matter.
And so I'm spending this train ride reflecting, on the somber news being reported on TV, to the normally jovial radio personalities who instead of prank calling unsuspecting listeners, are acknowledging the tragedy of several hours ago.
I feel like I generally have a sense of optimism when it comes to life. But between recent events, not just the incident in Orlando; but the series of slashings, random robberies, assaults, and seemingly countless crimes all over the Tri-state area, it's honestly been that much harder to maintain that optimism.
There are those who say that if we live in fear, that we are giving them exactly what they want. They say we should do the exact opposite. Celebrate. Go out. Fear nothing.
I get it. We probably should. When all's said & done, what's going to happen is going to happen. I personally pray that myself and those closest to me would not be harmed.
But to live as though this is a time in which there is absolutely nothing to fear...I feel that there exists a thin line between fear & ignorance.

The coffee burns
Poppy stuck between my teeth
Ten minutes to go
She reached out and I thought about her
She's making moves
I feel stuck
(Like the poppy)
Yet on the brink
It feels like that time
Like a nudge
Get going
Do
Something
Three minutes left
And the coffee still burns

I Choose.

I choose to focus on the positive.
I choose to see what I've been blessed with.
I choose to not have anger or jealousy in my heart towards those around me.
I choose to know that there will always be an answer, even if the answer is not right in front of me.
I choose to pray for those who may feel differently.
I choose to endure.
I choose to have empathy.
I choose to not blame God for the hand that I've been dealt.
I choose to say nothing over saying something hurtful.
I choose to not hold grudges over the past, even if the past was a day ago.
I choose to be selfless & not selfish.
I choose to face my issues rather than avoid them.
I choose to communicate rather than ignore.
I choose to know that the latter may sometimes come before the former.
I choose to know that I am an imperfect person who's only saving grace is his faith. Nothing more, nothing less.
I choose to look upon this when I am in need of a reminder.

What do you choose?

2015

Loss is real.
I live with it daily.
I know it's a part of life.
But this year made it real for me.
And I'm aware that it will happen again in the future.
I pray for the strength to endure the inevitable, in the promise that it is all worth it & for a reason in the end.

You also gave me a whole lot.
More than I cared to blog or status update about every time something notable occurred.
I preferred to live it and share it with those who made it possible more than I did to tell everyone about it.

That & I got lazy.

Put it on my list of resolutions for 2016.

You might be the quickest year I've had.
In some ways, you're the worst year I've had.
In many ways, you're the best year I've had.

Thank you for everything.


Farewell.

Sincerely yours,
Chris

These Rides

Today I'm thinking about you
It wouldn't be human if I didn't
You must have wanted to change your mind
On that last fatal second
The moment after the moment you had made up your mind
I'm playing scenarios in my head
One in particular
Where I'm there just before the jump
Before the last stupid decision you ever made
Where I snatch you by the backpack
Violently pull you backward
Backward into life
Into the ones who care
And talk shit out
Trade demons
Tell you that I've been there
Tell you that there's more to be here for
So much more to experience
That no temporary debt owed is even remotely worth any of the long term loss
I just hope it's better where you are
I pray you found what you needed to find
That I'll get the chance to slap you on the back of your head
And say "what the hell was that all about?"
Till then
These rides will always remind me
Of that last stupid decision you ever made

I can feel myself on the brink.
I know it's there, I feel it.
But then it stops.

I don't know if it's tiredness.
I don't know if it's because Mom is so distraught. I don't know if it's because she told me that her eyes turned blue.

She wants us there. She's expecting us to be there tomorrow.
Is she waiting for us?
Will we make it in time?
What will we be walking into?

Was there anything more that could have been done before all of this?

Is Mom going to be strong enough to move forward after all of this is said and done?
Will any of us?

Have I even had the time to grieve "properly" since my last loss?

What is my lesson here, Lord?
What is my role in all of this?
What part of me will be missing this time around?

My only comfort
Comes in knowing where she will be going
That she will be at peace
She will see those who have missed her
She will see her Mother

But I don't know if that makes it hurt any less

Though I am merely numb right now

Numb but on the brink